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Q: I’m in a bit of an (agonising) dry patch. When I go out, I am clearly looking to pull. But for some reason, I’m failing – could it be that I’m giving off desperate vibes? It’s definitely driving me mad!! Liv, 28

2011 May 8
by Zoe Strimpel

Liv, I know your plight well. The world sometimes feels like it’s playing tricks on you, by throwing riches at you when you’re sated and withholding all you desperately crave just when you need it most. Buses come at once, and so on.

The most frustrating of these cosmic jokes is the one you speak of. I’ll wager that at other times in your life, you haven’t know what to do with the men throwing themselves at you. “God! I can’t take any more male attention! I’m sexed out! I’m loved out!” was probably your battle cry. And now, it’s been a few months, you’re horny as hell, everyone else seems to be copulating like there’s no tomorrow and you’re left high and dry. So you go out, look your best, down flagons of punch, and put it out there. Resulting in crushing defeat and the fury of denial. Rage at how incomprehensible and unfair it all is.

Ok ok, I might be projecting a smidgen. But here’s a fact: when you go out looking for it, you never get it. And if you do, it’s always disappointing – awful guy, bad hookup, and so on.

This holy of grail of minding your own business and just being happy in your own skin is the one you need to go for. Don’t artifically cultivate it as that defeats the point (“I must look laissez faire! I must come across as blase and happy in my own skin with or without men!” You get it). Ideally, you can see that you can’t force these issues and that you ARE lovely just as you are, and that men should come for you, not require you to beg for them. But if you can’t, just accept this fact as a strategic one: seek and ye shall NOT find.

How to actually translate this into party behaviour. Well – look good, sure. But don’t walk up to men and talk to them – just move around organically with whichever group you happen to fall into. When you do talk to a guy, just chill out – if he’s keen, he’ll make it known. If not, there’s nothing you can do short of trying hard to lure him which never ends well. Leave when you’re tired -don’t get drunker and drunker and hold out for action. Take it from me: it’ll only lead to disappointment.

The cosmic joke has one upside – it’ll take pity on you when it’s ready. So just bide your time with intelligence, humour and productivity till then – and make peace with your vibrator as an interim friend.

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