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Internet dating is so early 2015

2015 May 11
by Zoe Strimpel

The latest thing in dating is to get rid of the internet entirely.

According to Airdates, a new offline app for dating in the air, “internet dating is so 20th century!!!”

That’s three exclamation marks.

Others seem to agree. Among recent Twitter followers, I seem to have attracted Sowher (Startingoverwithouther.com) a site for people who are either crushed or psyched to have lost the mother/whore figure in their lives. The site offers offline aides such as “Pimp Your Lingo- Seducing Women With Words – the complete six CD rom set”. (If not words, one wonders with what the site’s customers might seduce women – abs, lats, balls? Brains? Unlikely.) Personally, I’d steer clear of graduates of “Pimp your lingo”; they’d be at risk of messing up the whole semantic dimension.  If you’re not into seducing new women, it’s lucky Sowher sells a “Girl Back System (Get Your Girlfriend Back)” – another product seemingly arrayed in old-fashioned CD Roms.

Then there’s Hitch, which does, to be fair, hinge on at least a 3G connection. You set friends up through Facebook with this one, but at its core is a system as old as the moon: matchmaking. A similar idea is being peddled through another of my Twitter followers, My Mate Your Date: “Meet people through your friends, everyday. No randoms!”. I met the guys behind this site at the UK Dating Awards 2014. They were very nice but came from a business – not a heartsearch – background. Fair play to them, though: they’re on trend in the way their matchmaking business dismisses exactly what early adherents (and not so early) thought was the web’s genius: randomness and playing the numbers. Elect Matchmaker, another of my followers, also purports to dispense with connectivity. Here, a team of BMI-appropriate, modern-looking people who enjoy “getting to know people and finding out what makes them tick” put other (paying) people together. One of the team gives style advice: “as of April 2010, Daniel weighed over 22 stone!” He doesn’t anymore and he’s on hand to make sure any other fatty lonely hearts get the slimline help they need to have a better shot at finding love. And then there’s Pozee, “the ultimate wingman”. Once again, the technology is the “wingman” but the real action lives in the app’s stark opposition to technology – the idea is to force people out from behind their devices into the real world. “Forget poking, forget winking and forget messaging…chemistry is what matters,” says Pozee. “It’s time to put down your phone and go say hello. You don’t have any more excuses.”

So for all of you till trying to find love with boring old online dating, it’s time to get with the programme: internet-mediated romance is so 2014 it hurts. It’s life that now takes centre stage. “Life”, that is, for a generation of people who are as capable of hand-writing with a fountain pen as they are deliver a chat-up line without, at the very least, a digital wingperson.

 

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